When will we stop telling infertile men and women to relax, go on holiday or adopt? We urgently need to expand awareness of Fertility Communication.

The World Health Organisation this week reports that one in six adults will experience infertility at some point in their lives. This stark statistic masks the other, connected problem – the shocking way some people communicate with infertile people.

In 2013 my husband and I started trying to have a baby. We were lucky; infertile, as it turned out, but lucky. Not because it was easy but because we felt confident to advocate for the treatment needed; we had good support networks; we had NHS surgery and 10 funded rounds of non-IVF treatment and when that was all unsuccessful, the funds to pay privately and try IVF. We conceived our first IVF child in 2016 and went on to conceive a second from a frozen embryo in 2019.

The WHO’s director general Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said in an article this week that their new infertility report highlighted “the magnitude of infertility as a public health issue globally, and showed there was an urgent need to expand access to prevention, diagnosis and treatments.”

There’s also an urgent need to upgrade global fertility communications.

We know that infertility can cause trauma, depression, anxiety and have major implications for financial strain, relationships and work. 42% of respondents to a survey by Fertility Network in 2016 experienced suicidal feelings as a result of fertility problems and/or treatment.

If they have the courage to share their experience of infertility with friends, family, medical professionals, employers or even strangers on the internet, they often get a depressingly familiar response:

Go on holiday.

Adopt.

Keep trying.

They are told they are too fat.

They are told they’re young and “it’ll be fine”.

They are told they are too old.

They are told about their friend’s cousin who took supplements, tried acupuncture and it worked.

Their lived, actual experiences are unheard. Their voices are silenced by assumptions, anecdotes.

Slowly they back away, shut down and sometimes find social occasions or work or even going to the hairdressers difficult.

They fear questions about whether they have children and don’t know how to respond; they fear conversations about children to which they have nothing to contribute to or feel worried will trigger strong negative feelings; they are embarrassed at how upset they feel on hearing pregnancy announcements and THEN see celebrities or influencers who talk about this, shamed by online comments about how they should ‘just feel happy’ because it’s happy news.

Meanwhile they’re working on their triggers, they’re trying to explore why they suddenly feel anxious all the time and what to do about it. They are looking for counsellors or therapists and trying to work out: do I spend money on all the organic produce they are told will increase fertility; save for that extra ‘add-on’ my clinic told me about or fork out for a fertility mindset course? Yes, you do need to spend time and compassionate attention on your mindset when you’re going through all this AND the wider world needs to learn more too. It’s a two way thing. It’s no one’s fault - not the patient, not society.

It’s an education and communication problem.

Infertility is a public health issue. It is a condition of the reproductive system. Other diseases are treated medically. They are not told to relax, go on holiday and it will magically resolve. Do we judge people with short sight who chose to have laser eye surgery in the same way we freely air opinions on whether or not someone should have done their IVF or chosen to pursue surrogacy?

Infertility is complex but the response, even by some medical professionals, is vastly oversimplified.

People experiencing infertility are not selfish for trying to have their own children.

They are not overreacting.

They are not ‘bad’ for feeling like they’ve been punched in the gut when their friend tells them they’re going to have a baby.

They are human.

I have a theory that improvements in fertility communication would result in better relationships at home and at work, therefore more confidence to advocate for the attention needed from healthcare professionals, specialist mental health and fertility wellbeing support; faster diagnoses and treatment thanks to this and shortened time to the end result, whatever that result will be. Quicker fertility journeys, reducing the number of years spent ‘in limbo’. Certainty instead of ‘unknown’. Everyone benefits. The patients, their friends and family, their employers - the economy; because fertility patients regularly require time off for stress or for treatment.

There must be greater understanding that while their disease MIGHT respond well to acupuncture, supplements, relaxation techniques, visualisation and whatever else they want to try and yes, perhaps they might consider adoption at some point…it also might not and they might not for myriad reasons, none of which have anything to do with others’ assumptions and everything to do with their unique situation including access to support and treatment; socio-economic factors; fertility diagnosis; finances; global location; ethical views; mental wellness or mental health.

So yes, there is an urgent need to improve prevention, diagnosis and treatments of infertility.

There is also an urgent need to improve fertility communications.

Plus, you know what improved fertility communication would do for the patient?

Lower stress; improve wellbeing; increase feelings of connection and reduce isolation. In other words…relax.

You know what people with infertility are told to do every day?

RELAX.

Alice Rose

I'm running a brand new, free live experience for anyone going through infertility, or any difficult road to bringing home a baby. who feels left behind and wants to change this feeling. Reclaiming You: Click here to register